Old Roger

This a short comedy I wrote during the weekend. It is told from the perspective of different witnesses & participants. I do hope you enjoy it.

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WAITRESS:
His strides are bold and stompy, despite his age. He put on the meanest look he could conjure and sized up the entrance door. Though he seem to stagger a bit, he did a good job of maintaining his composure. I watched him adjust his clothing and walk in with a false feeling of importance. I know he’s bound to act another drama in the bar but I was heading home already. My shift was over so I didn’t get to witness the free show but I got the gist from the girls later.

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WAITER:
I had just resumed my shift when I saw a strange man walk in. He stood for a while as if searching for an empty seat in the bar. He walked over to a table, knocked off the “reserved” marker and he pulled out a seat for himself.

“Sir, that place is reserved… you can’t sit there sir”, I explained and made to stop him!

“whaaat?… reserved for who? …who gets a reservation when General Roger has no where to sit? Don’t you know me?” he asked.

“ Excuse me sir…”

“You haven’t seen me on TV? …you’ve never heard of Major General Roger? …you mean you really don’t know me?”

“NO!” I said and sized up the man. He was clad in a rumpled suit, undersized pants, dirty shirt and a twisted tie. His running mouth seem to be the only smooth thing on him!
“Sorry sir!… this table is-”

“-will you shut up your mouth!” he shouted and caused some heads to turn.

“if you would please let me get you another place…” I was saying when he exploded.

“I can’t believe you are still here!” He roared and slammed the table, getting more heads to turn in his direction.
With his ego well fed, he stood up, having this bully smirk on his face and whispered to an embarrassed me, “now get me a drink without further ado!”
I wish someone had told me what kinda person this man is. Old bully!

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MAN:
I can’t but notice the man creating a scene beside me. His outburst snatched my lady’s attention away from me and I just had to look too.
He adjusted on his seat and turned towards us.

“but you love birds know me, don’t you?
He didnt wait for a reply as he continued “… lemme tell you, I am the only soldier who took the orientation course eight times! Yet I have the longest non-democratic tenure ever! I ruled for a duration of eight years. Yes! That’s a long term isn’t it?… I broke the back of three other generals and took power… A decorated general I am as you see me so!…”

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ARMY GENERAL:
I was whistling to my reserved seat to relax as usual when I spotted the old man at my table. At first I wanted to ask my ADC to call in the boys to come and get the man off my favorite corner, but I decided against it. “Its just one old man”, I told myself “He won’t be any trouble.”
But as I approached the table, I heard his smooth mouth bragging about the army.

“… A decorated general I am as you see me so!” he was saying “No general in this country dares dare me… They know what I did to their predecessors.”
I was shocked. All my years in the army, I’ve never seen a retired General look so unkempt.
As I moved closer to him, I began to perceive the strong odour of ogogoro (a locally brewed alchohol). The stupid old man was high on cheap spirits. So I brought out my phone and dialed my ADC’s number.
“send in the boys!” I ordered. I want this bloody civilian beaten to sobriety.

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NURSE ISABEL:
When I didn’t see the funny ol’ General Roger (as he liked to be called) in the common room I knew we had a situation on our hands.
I wasn’t quite worried though cos I knew just where to find him. He likes to – you know, sneak to the bars across town.

As I parked my car in the lot,I saw some soldiers jump out of a van and march into the bar.
My intuition told me old rogers had probably gone too far with his army stories this time! I quickened my pace and entered the bar through the service door. I saw old Roger doing his thing -creating a scene.
“…where did you get those stars? And that uniform?…don’t tell me you are an officer in the army.” He was saying to the General.

The soldiers marched in and saluted the General and he mumbled some things to them pointing towards Roger. I moved fast, stood in between the General and Roger.

“Old Roger, you’ve had too much drinks today, don’t you think its time we head home?”

A hefty hand rested on my shoulder and spun me around.
“…and what do you think you are doing?” the General roared.

” …’xcuse meee?”

“Isabel? What a surprise? What are you doing here?” He asked.

“sorry?.. have we met before? How do you know my name? Oh -you’re quite smart aren’t you?! You read it from my ID card here! ” I was saying when he removed his dark glasses and I recognized him to be a familiar face. He once came to the Retirees Home with relief materials.

“You’ll never change” he said with a smile. “Isabel, the ever serious nurse!”
I offered my apologies, he accepted and signalled to his boys to wait. He pulled me aside and asked.
“so is this man one of your em, patients, old people or what do you call them?”

“yes!” I nodded and explained, “.. and He is a special one… His hallucination these days are -you know -so real to him. He had a kinda little rough childhood, you know. And his failure to get recruited into the army after many attempts comes back to his brain now as an achievement. He bullies anyone and even addresses himself as General Roger… Funny ol’ man… I just have to get him back to the home now… So he could take his -you know, medications and perhaps some things to kinda calm him and… I really have to go now… And I apologize for any rubbish he might have done or said… You know -he is just being -you know…”

” its alright, No problem at all, you just saved his backside from pains”, the General said with a grin.
I turned back to the table,
“Let’s get you home, General Roger…you’ve had too much-”

“Who?” a waiter asked and pointed to the empty seat.
I didn’t know Old Roger had sneaked out when I had my back to him.
“Slimy Old man” the General murmured.

“…em, I think I know just where to look for him, he likes to -you know, frequent bars… I have to go… Thank you sir.”

“Funny old Roger,” the waiter remarked and shook his head.

******* The End *******

Photo credits:
www. kamachka.deviantart.com
www. afterallen.com &
www. dreamstime.com
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=->Prince A.T.™ 🙂
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

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A Room with a View

(c) shutterstock.com
A resounding slap reminded me of my duty. I was supposed to be fanning Hulk Horgan! I don’t know how I managed to wander off in thoughts in this crowded little room. Another slap was coming my way and I swiftly ducked.
‘you dey sleep while standing?’, he roared.

At previous times I would cower at his voice, but not anymore. I hissed and slowly stood up. I looked him in the eye and he grinned wickedly.

‘I don’t blame you!’, I murmured through clenched teeth.
‘I no blame you,’ he mimicked.

I shifted my gaze off him to the slimy wall. The walls were dark and stained with sweat, oil, graffiti and blood.
‘today is the last time I’ll be here.’ I said to myself.
I stared at the haphazard graffiti. A particular writing scribbled with blood caught my attention “the walking corpse “, it said. I winced, feeling bile rising through my throat and I quickly shifted my gaze to the dirty floor.

‘This is going to be my last day here.’ I told myself again.

The floor was littered with all dirty things you can think of, bandage, rotten food, tissue, paper, plates, dirty clothes and dirty ragged men.
One started coughing hysterically and I turned away, positioning my face in the direction of the room’s only window.

The window had nothing on it save the iron bars that kept we the insiders inside. A spider was spinning a web across the window making sure even a housefly would stay outside.

Everyone seems to be mocking me. They all seem to be saying the same thing. Mocking me for my naivety & stupidity!

‘Butty, You’ll rot in jail,’ I heard someone whisper.
‘No I won’t, I immediately replied. ‘today is my last day here. ‘

‘-last day on earth? ‘ the old man coughed and everyone burst into laughter.

I shut my ears to them all and stared at the only iew where I believe sanity stood.
prison window
The only window in the room provided me with a saner view. I could see the rising sun in the horizon and it reminded me so much of my room from which I usually watched the sunset.

*********************************

I was watching the sunset two days ago day when Scuba came with ideas on how I could be better and bigger. He told me I could become a ladies man in spite of my bulgy size if i wouldn’t mind doing some things.
Now I want the attention of ladies and I want to roll with the Big Boyz and lots more! who cares if I’m not yet 18!

So his idea required that I borrowed my Dad’s money without dad’s consent , I bought wraps of stuffs I know I shouldn’t be handling. We went clubbing and I got so drunk I couldn’t run when the police busted the party!

I woke up at the police station in an overcrowded cell with hardened criminals.

I know my Dad would have heard of my arrest and He is still really angry at me for stealing his money. But he’ll surely come and bail me… my kind hearted mother would surely nag down his ego till he comes.

Till he comes, I’ll enjoy the only good view available. When next I get to watch the sun setting in the horizon… I’ll remind myself to remain me and to keep only good friends

Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. (Proverbs 27:17 KJV)

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Open Letter to Mr Cold

Dear Mr Catarrh Cold,

Cold

Cold

It is with anger that I write you this letter…

First, I would like to clarify the premises upon which you base your assumption that I invited you!
-Me getting drenched by the rain on Monday was not my own doing or plan!
-Me sneezing on Tuesday and doing nothing about it does not insinuate -and should not be seen as a “welcome to my abode letter!
I might have left my door unguarded but its not a licence for you to move in!

Secondly, we both know this is not the first time you are visiting ,but hey, I am fed up of being your regular host…and you have abused and overstayed your welcome this time!

Yesterday, I heard everyone comment on how sweet the aroma coming from Mumie’s kitchen was, but I couldn’t comment- all I could do was sneeze. You know why? -your dirty-yucky-mucky luggage is blocking my nasal cavity!
I’m finding it hard to breath not to talk of perceiving aromas!

sneeeeeeezzzeee!!!

sneeeeeeezzzeee!!!

You’ve forced me to shoot sedative drugs down my throat with the hope that you will crawl out when I fall asleep.

Now the nurse says you are enjoying your new home so much you are building shields to make your abode impregnable to drugs-blast!
Haha! I laugh at you! I will surely find a way to evict you!

You are pushing me to the wall.
And seriously, I am tired of this drowsy feeling!
I want to be agile, awake, alive and active like the real me!

My boss needs me to be active at work.
I need to be active to complete the Writing 101 and Blogging 101 University courses!
My brain needs to be awake to complete the ‘My Daily Dairy’ series
I miss fellow bloggers and I think my friends & followers miss me too!
…and your presence is making that and many other things difficult!

I have decided to come public with this open letter; since you have refused to acknowledge nor respond to preceding pleas and admonitions,

And I hope that after you read this, you’ll quietly (& jejely) pack your things and leave!

Be forewarned that things are about to get very hot in here! And its not gonna be funny
… Now, this is not a threat, its just a sincere warning coming straight from the heart of an enraged landlord to an unwanted obstinate tenant!

*******
Your angry host
– Hardethaewoh

PS: I hope you didn’t take the ‘DEAR Mr Cold bla- bla… ‘ at the top seriously? You should know its just a formal letter salutation. Mr Cold, you are not in anyway dear to me!

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Prince A. T. ™ ☺

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The Beauty and The Beef

Today I practically saw cruel glaring eyes grab hold of a lady’s leg, strike her down and tear her into pieces!
You know that’s a kind of metaphor -right?! This is not a scary, horror film! Its my own kind of “foreshadowing”

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crying woman

crying woman

I was in a shopping mall, to pick up some beverages when it happened.

This lady walked in,- coincidentally and unfortunately- at a time when many heads were turned towards the entrance door. She was no doubt beautiful, but what gained her special attention and cruel jungle justice was the aisle she headed to!

I had picked up the beverages I came to the mall for, so I also headed for her aisle.

Now between the dozen steps I took to get to the beginning of the aisle, I overheard tons of gossip, whispers, slanders and exclamations.

“Oh! I can’t believe she’s actually going to the frozen foods section”
“-not just any frozen food, she’s pointing to the porks and beef!”

“Some people just don’t know what’s good for them!”

“Honey, please tell me I’m not as fat as that woman!”

“obviously some people have never heard of the word diet!”

“-maybe she’s planning to eat herself to death!”
“- Oh-my-God! She’s so fat!

A wife was hitting her husband for staring too much at the Big and Beautiful lady!

Now I had no intentions of purchasing beef, I was just going over to find out the price. But the murmurings all over the place, triggered my curiosity and I found myself walking towards the Big Beautiful and Fat lady.

She was sniffing into her hanky when I got to her, trying hard to hold back her tears!

“Miss, are you alright? …Is there a problem?”, I asked out of sympathy and moved closer.

She sneezed, “This is meant for my neighbour’s children…” she said, pointing to the assorted chunks of meat she was buying…”

I didn’t ask you why you are buying them in the first place! I thought to myself.

“…You know. …every time I come into this mall… everyone makes it their duty to censor what I buy…”

I nodded, “now I understand”

She continued, “I was chatting with one of my neighbour’s kids when she swore she’s not tasted meat since Christmas! I was shocked and I decided to give them a treat… ” she burst into tears.

Admist tears she continued, “…but my body size has become a reason for everyone to condemn me without knowing my intentions! They all me stare at because I’m… I’m …because I am…” and her voice dwindled with tears.

I could see she was struggling to say the three letter word; F A T!

Oh! I see… ” I murmured. I felt her pain and was so moved with pity!

“many people think I’m buying the beef and pork for myself… Why would I do that? When my body is already laden with… Ffffaaat!” she blurted out.

I tried my best to console her and offered to help her with her shopping before we parted ways that day.

i felt her pain

i felt her pain

But it got me wondering, “how many times have we condemned others without knowing their real intentions!?!”

And come to think of it, you don’t get to choose your body size… You can only work on it. Not everybody became obese because they love eating chocolates, fats and junks, it was hereditary for some!

Why do we find it easy to point at the speck in the eyes of others when we have a log in ours…
Even if your hands are clean it’s not a license to point accusing fingers!

I’ll leave you with this song;

All things bright and beautiful,
all creatures great and small,
all things ‘cute’ and wonderful;
The LORD GOD MADE THEM ALL!

God loves US all! Big or small… Thin or Fat, Tall or short!

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Prince A. T. ™

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